Control

I love control. I want to control how  my husband shows me love, and who my children are friends with and the pastors sermon on Sunday morning, the store clerks method of ringing in my groceries, the timing of major events , when the class starts, I’d like to control the weather, i want to control how others see me, I want to control all our money and even sometimes if I’m honest God himself; yet , in a strange twist of fate I cannot seem to stop myself from having a second helping of spaghetti. 

Why is it so easy for me to not only desire to control everything and everyone around me but to have the bloody audacity to think I am able, for heavens sake I get overwhelmed thinking about the tasks on my own daily list and I expect to do well everyone else’s? . I suppose that is why I’m overwhelmed that is why I’m burned out , if in my mind it’s my responsibility to rule the world, well that is a big job and I’m not truly equipped. 

I wonder how life would change inside me if I started to relinquish control of the world around me and  focused solely on controlling myself, my attitude my tone of voice when I get up where I go how much I spend and what goes into and comes out of my own mouth. 

Richard J. Foster says this “for me the greatest value in my lack of control was the intimate and ultimate awareness that I cannot manage God. God refused to jump when I said, “jump!” Neither by theological acumen not by religious technique could I conquer God. God was , in fact to conquer me.”

I suppose if that means God withholds his answers when we demand it, remains silent when we are screaming for a response or is hidden when we summons him then perhaps he is doing so to show us that we cannot control him and in fact as foster suggests God is revealing to us that he has the same freedom to communicate with us as we have with him.

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Truly, you are a God who hides himself, O God of Israel, the Savior. Isaiah 45:15